Hey ya’ll. First, and most importantly- Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you’re surrounded by good food, great friends, and loving family. From my little family to yours- thank you for being a part of our life. We count our blessings everyday that our paths have crossed, and we are grateful for you!

Now, back to the subject line…. I think (and I could be wrong here), but I think I was gifted this ability to write, to be a voice. And, maybe in time, that voice can be a light. A  light of truth, of strength and of courage for whoever may stumble upon this. I’m not entirely sure I am qualified to be those things, but that is my intention, so bear with me.

I sit here though, with a heavy heart, I can’t help but think that in order to be a light, I have to get down & dirty and quite frankly, REAL with ya’ll about the darkness. This post is by no means meant to solicit pity. I just feel an obligation to be real & honest, in hopes that I can help be a light for anyone who may need it. I am obsessed with this quote, because I believe in it so much. “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. (Marianne Williamson)

It’s an interesting time of the year, today specifically. It’s a day for us to vocalize how thankful & grateful we are. Just in case we forget to be those things everyday, I joke in my head. But I was just reminded recently by a friend, that though we have SO MUCH to be thankful for, it’s also ok to hurt. It’s ok to cry. It is OK to wonder why life happens the way that it does. You see, 2018 has been great for Mitch and I. We certainly started out strong. We have made & had some beautiful memories, and we have shared so much love with so many people, we are so thankful for those blessings. We started out strong, and we refuse to do anything but finish strong, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been some pain in the midst of it all. I think that is life, and I know we aren’t the only ones who have had to hunker down in the last few months.

Is anyone else curious where I am going with this, or is it just me? *face palm* Talk about procrastination…  thanks to a quick google search, Taboo, adj: prohibited or restricted by social custom. This may be taboo to write about- and I have thought A LOT about whether or not I wanted to share. It has always been so hard for me to be vulnerable. It’s easy for me to be crude, loud, honest, as Mitch would say, I have NO filter. I often say things that make him CRINGE, but I can’t help it. I have always been an open book. Unless being open about something made me vulnerable. If that were the case, as my mom has said for the last 20+ years, I would put my wall up and shutdown. However, if it hadn’t been for the strength, and courage, and openness of some of my friends who have had similar struggles, I wouldn’t have been able to lean on them for support. Which is why I feel like I must share, too.

Yesterday I had an emergency D&C. If you’re not familiar with the medical term, I’ll let you do the googling. I went in for an 8 week apt last week and what normally would have ended with cute little printouts of avocado shaped sonograms, that wasn’t the case for us. I was pregnant, had a gestational sac, but no baby. We had hopes that maybe our little embryo was just being shy, but we also had fear. I had had 2 miscarriages prior to this apt, and the fact that I had made it to 8 weeks made me think we were in the clear. I wasn’t expecting anything but good news, and I certainly didn’t think my heart could handle anything but that. However, I was sent over for blood work, returned in 4 days for more blood work and waited as impatiently as you could imagine, until my follow up apt for my results. There was so much pain that week of waiting that I am glad it is such a blur. My follow up apt was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon, and it turned out my hcg levels were abnormally high & rising, despite being pregnant with no baby. My doctor was concerned I was one of the 1-1,000 women who have a Molar Pregnancy, which can end in cancerous tumors, and can be quite dangerous. He sent me right over to another OBGYN for a second opinion, and before I had checked in to that doctors office, I was already scheduled for D&C the next morning. Here I am, recovery quickly at home, typing this.

You see, we all have a story. We are all writers, I’ll admit some are better than others (I’m referring to myself as a TOTAL amateur). But we are all doing it. As cliche as it sounds- each of us have different chapters in our lives. Some of our good friends have or are battling cancer. Some have been in accidents. Some have other medical complications and they are seeking answers. Some of our friends have had financial troubles. Some are having difficulties in their marriages. Some of our friends are silently struggling with anxiety or depression. Some of our friends lives, from the outside seem perfect- but we are ALL human. We are all living the same life. Some of us have different circumstances, and some of us have different struggles. But we all have seasons, we all have trials & tribulations, we all feel pain, at one point or another. But, these seasons, these chapters, I think if we can share them with others we really can walk away from them stronger. I’m not sharing our struggles today so you will feel sorry for us. I am sharing our struggles with you today- because I am THANKFUL. But among the love & joy of the holiday season, it is also ok to hurt.

This is a direct quote from a txt that I got yesterday when I was in pre-op from a friend who is much wiser than me. “It doesn’t matter that you understand or that you know you should be thankful for what you have, or that you have accepted the outcome, it is still so incredibly hard”… “You will heal and it will get easier but it will always be a little sad part that sticks with you. It’s life, live it, the good and the bad (insert heart emoji here)”. YES, you know me well enough to know that I am crying, but it also puts a smile on my face every single time I read it.

On this Thanksgiving Day I pray that you are able to forget about the hard part or the sad part of life. I pray that you are surrounded by good food, great friends, and loving family. Even on our darkest days, we have so much to be thankful for. I hope that you hug everyone a little bit tighter, and a little bit longer. And I hope that you remember, as I am reminding myself today and everyday, that it’s ok to feel hurt so long as you remember that you are not alone in your struggles.

Friends, if you have stuck with me until the end of this- I want you to know that I am so dang thankful to get to do life with you. Life isn’t always pretty. I mean the good & the bad. I appreciate you, and today I am thankful to have so much love & support on this journey, this thing we call life.

Love,
Cami